As children we were guided by media, movies, parentals, or anyone older than 11 that Santa Clause was as real as M & M’s. We loved comparing Santa to God in that he could see what we were doing all year and like religion in a sense, it was a great tool to regulate the brats of this country. Good old corruptful adults! Anyway, is it possible that Santa could be real? Could there be an obese man at the North Pole with his wife and sweatshop of elves in a jolly frigid state up there? Well as we grow we learn things about science and other depressing things like that, aging really is a bitch. So an attempt to prove Santa’s existence was done in 2001 using simple physics. Here is what we can conclude:

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
• But since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.
• At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
• This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
• This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to:
• park,
• hop out of the sleigh,
• jump down the chimney,
• fill the stockings,
• distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
• eat whatever snacks have been left,
• get back up the chimney,
• get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
• Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
• This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
• On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
• We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere.
• The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
• The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
• Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.09 times greater than gravity.
• A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Merry Christmas everyone! And for my Jewish friends, a very Happy Hanukkah!

Today marks the holiday affectionately known simply as, “Festivus”. Festivus is a nondenominational holiday featured in an episode of Seinfeld, a popular American television sitcom of the 1990s. The holiday was a plot device in episode number 166 of the show, entitled “The Strike”, which first aired on December 18, 1997. Many people, influenced or inspired by Seinfeld, now celebrate the holiday, in varying degrees of seriousness. Some do it religiously; others do it in good tidings in their respect to Seinfeld.

According to Seinfeld, Festivus is celebrated each year on December 23, but many people celebrate it other times, often in early December. Its slogan is “A Festivus for the rest of us!” An aluminum pole is generally used in lieu of a Christmas tree or other holiday decoration. Those attending participate in the “Airing of Grievances” which is an opportunity for all to vent their hostilities toward each other, and after a Festivus dinner, The Feats of Strength are performed. Traditionally, Festivus is not over until the head of the household is wrestled to the floor and “pinned.” Originally a Scandinavian holiday celebrating the day before the “Present” and the “Future” filled with hope. A day to be honored much in the way “Fat Tuesday” is at the beginning of the Christian Lenten Season.

The character Frank Costanza created Festivus as an alternative holiday in response to the commercialization of Christmas. He explained its origins during the episode to the character Cosmo Kramer, as related in the following dialogue:

Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born . . . a Festivus for the rest of us!

Cosmo Kramer: That must’ve been some kind of doll.

Frank Costanza: She was.

In the episode, Kramer had become interested in resurrecting the holiday after hearing the plight of his friend—Frank Costanza’s son—George, who used the holiday celebration he hated in his youth as a defensive excuse to his employer, Kruger. George had been confronted by Kruger after handing out cards for Christmas to his fellow employees stating a donation had been made to a fake charity (invented by George) called The Human Fund (with the slogan “Money For People”) in lieu of exchanging Christmas presents. George defended himself saying that he feared persecution for his beliefs, for not celebrating Christmas. Attempting to call his bluff, Kruger came home with George to see Festivus in action.

The Festivus celebration includes four major components:

• The Festivus Pole: The Costanzas’ tradition begins with an aluminum pole, which Frank praises for its “very high strength-to-weight ratio.” During Festivus, the unadorned pole is displayed. The pole was chosen apparently in opposition to the commercialization of highly decorated Christmas trees, because it is “very low-maintenance,” and also because the holiday’s patron, Frank Costanza, “finds tinsel distracting.”

• Festivus Dinner: The Festivus dinner menu is flexible, but it should consist of filling, non-holiday comfort food (no turkey, duck, or goose). The televised dinner featured what may have been meatloaf or spaghetti in a red sauce. (Presumably, an entree in a red sauce is more festive.) Kruger took a flask out from his jacket and took a swig; so one might interpret that drinking is optional. In the Festivus book by Allen Salkin, drinking is encouraged with hearty beer, cheap rum, bourbon, or wine.

• The Airing of Grievances: At the Festivus dinner, each participant tells friends and family of all the instances where they disappointed him or her that year.

Frank Costanza: “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people!”

• The Feats of Strength: The head of the family tests his or her strength against one participant of the head’s choosing. Festivus is not considered over until the head of the family has been pinned to the ground. A participant is allowed to decline to attempt to pin the head of the family only if they have something better to do instead.

While not an official element of the holiday or its celebration, the phenomenon of the Festivus Miracle should not be overlooked. When, at one point in the episode, two sleazy betting-window guys from the off track betting parlor call H&H Bagels (Elaine’s fake phone number) for Elaine Benes, and Kramer (who was on strike against H&H, but went inside the store because he had to use the bathroom) answers the phone. Kramer explains that he is about to see Elaine and invites the bookies to join him for Festivus. Kramer enthusiastically declares, “It’s a Festivus miracle!”

Kramer reports another Festivus Miracle when Gwen finds Jerry at the Costanza home, despite Kramer’s previous directions to Gwen. At best, a “Festivus miracle” is a coincidence rather than a genuine miracle.

So remember what the holidays are for, don’t give into Christmas commercialization, air your grievances with one another, eat a sub par dinner with those you love, and wrestle. Happy Festivus!

“[Even the founders seem taken aback.] I don’t want to say it’s overwhelming, … but I see these numbers coming out, I keep thinking, it must be a mistake. How can we pass Google? I mean, my mom knows Google, but she doesn’t know MySpace.” — Tom Anderson

Which website on the world wide web had the most hits from January 1st to October 31st of this year? Of all the websites in existence, which one single site had the most visitors during that time period this year? Google? Yahoo? CNN? Drudge? eBay? Amazon? e-Trade?

MySpace.

Fucking MySpace.

MySpace.com had more hits this year than Google, a fiscal year in which Google launched an abundance of revolutionary tools and saw its stock increase 4-fold. Yet, MySpace, which offers customizable home pages for fourteen year-old girls and twenty-six year-old male virgins living with their parents, was the numero uno site in visitor traffic this year thus far. MySpace is spreading faster than Paris Hilton’s STD’s in this country. From a little idea of founder Tom Anderson, who is befriended by all of MySpace’s members, the little idea has grown to unprecedented popularity.

This year Intermix Media, owner of MySpace.com, was purchased by Robert Murdoch’s media mogul NewsCorp for a cool $580 million. Yeah, that Robert Murdoch. The “genius” behind FoxNews, the right-wing conservative extreme of whom most of MySpace’s users would disagree with on just about anything relevant. So, lets break down the madness behind MySpace. What makes it tick? What makes it appealing? Why do kids measure their popularity in a virtual world versus a live school setting? Why don’t parents regulate what their children do on MySpace? How can anyone be stupid enough to put so much information about themselves online? This entry is of course concerned with MySpace. If you have MySpace, and you probably do, read up a little bit. If you do not have MySpace, you probably hate it so much that you’ll enjoy any MySpace bashing, so you read as well.

I’m aware not everyone on MySpace is in 7th-grade and I understand that a lot of bands/emerging emcee’s/etc, use the site to get their name out and whatever its cool. My problems lie with the fifteen year old girls with pictures of their thongs hanging out and smoking a cigarette in their picture. More often their parents would kill them if they knew this was posted on the internet, which could simply be rebellion from their parents by breaking away from their repressed life, but that’s another topic all together. I can’t write everything I hate about MySpace on here, fore this language doesn’t consist of the words to accurately portray it, and this is going to appear to be an unorganized rant that holds no logic or sense. And that’s probably right, but I’m not being graded on this, its simply to maybe educate someone from falling into the Laguna Beach universe. Fuck that techno/Hollister universe and fuck MTV. And for those offended by swearing, people could do a lot worse than curse, so chill the fuck out.

David Ludwig, 18 years old from Pennsylvania, ever heard of him? If not, start paying attention to the news. Young David brought his girlfriend Kara Beth Borden (14) home very late one night after a date. The two were home-schooled and knew each other through church. They had been secretly dating for months without the permission of their parents. So when David and Kara Beth strolled into Kara’s house in the wee hours of a Sunday morning after a night of who knows what, Kara Beth’s parents flipped a shit naturally. Their daughter was only fourteen and she had been out all night with a legal adult in the Keystone night (mmmmmKeystone). Well, young David didn’t take this very well. And by not taking it very well, I mean he reacted in the worst possible way. He gunned down her parents with a trusty 9mm handgun and the two left town and ran away. How does this relate to MySpace? Well, Kara’s sister heard all of this happen while in the house and called 911. It wasn’t long before police had their suspect and issued an Amber Alert for Kara Beth. KEY THE ALL-KNOWING COMPUTER! Both David and Kara Beth of course had MySpace where everything the authorities needed to know was discovered. David’s interests included causing trouble and weapons, while hers included her Christian faith and soccer. The two were having a sexual relationship for months and were struggling keeping it a secret. They discussed running away together, sacrificing things they cared about to be together blah blah blah yada yada yada, ya know, some real Romeo and Juliet business. They were apprehended two days later a mere couple states to the West. So, lets put all of our personal information on our MySpace! Usually it won’t involve a double homicide extreme, but understand the point. Have enough self respect to limit what you tell the world about yourself. Why would you put on MySpace lewd pictures, whether or not you smoke pot/shoplift/cheat on your partner/etc, or simply tell everyone little weird detials about yourself? Keep your life a little bit private people, I’m not talking about Coke/Pepsi or McDonald’s/Wendy’s preferences, I’m referring to things people shouldn’t know. Don’t expose yourself to look negative to the general public. You’d be surprised how many teachers, employers, parents that know how to use and navigate MySpace.

MySpace is nothing but a less educated Facebook, correct? NAY! I will have a seperate entry for Facebook (Stalker.net) in the near future. But MySpace and Facebook are totally different. And for my High School dwelling readers, there is a Facebook for High School now, look into it and add a little class to your life. I’m convinced MySpace honestly runs the lives of roughly 13% of our adolescent population. Who take roughly 35 pictures of themselves each day, invite friendship to anyone remotely attractive, research a solid thirty-five minutes each day to find new stuff to put in their profile, and take endless quizzes and surveys about themselves that hold no significance whatsoever. I can’t stress how deeply I loathe this website.

I think that everyone who has a MySpace account can be generally classified as insecure with themselves, their position in life, their progression to self-fulfillment, their appearance, their friends, their financial stability, or anything along those lines. Not that we all aren’t insecure with something’s, I think it is just a little amplified by having a MySpace account. Once again, that is another topic in general. Putting up a picture that is supposed to represent yourself, but it looks nothing like you. Answering that books are “for fucking losers”, leaving endless slutty/risque comments to people you’ll never see face-to-face as long as you live, and even having 68,881 friends. There aren’t even that many people at the University of Michigan or my hometown. Re-evaluate your life, I’m serious.

Can we honestly just rename it ItalianGotti.com or Slutz4YouHottie.com right now? Is that not all it is? “No, it is bands and grad students and people looking for a job!” Yeah, I’m an employer and you give me a MySpace link in your resume, I might call and laugh at you. Monster.com you morons, even for music, use a music website. MySpace is the devil and you know it. You’ve sold out more than I sold out by having a Blog. It is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake, I’m not good with animals, either way it’s bad.

Yes I’m aware that I come off like a hypocritical-elitist bastard right now. I’m sure you agree with some points and couldn’t disagree more with some of the things I’ve mentioned. And I know I don’t have MySpace so I shouldn’t be writing about it. I don’t think Facebook is much better, it’ll be getting its own entry after finals. I just felt compelled to get these MySpace thoughts out there to stir things up a little bit. It makes no sense, I’ll admit it, but thanks for reading. Now go and see if anyone left you a comment while you read this.