9:00– They finally present award for Makeup Achievement to Pans Labyrinth, two straight for the land south ‘o the border.
:01– Marty, Marty, Marty!
:03–The girl from Sunshine and Will Smith’s son present Best Animated short to The Danish Poet, which very much so could have been a title of Best Picture. The kids then present Best Live Action Short to something I can’t understand. I maintain R. Kelly’s ‘Trapped in the Closet‘ got snubbed.
:13– A chorus sings? movie sound effects. Very cool.
:16– Greg Kinear and Steve Carell present award for Sound Editing. Solid exchange, award goes to Letters from Iwo Jima. That movie better now win Director or Picture.
:18– I just discovered that Sacha Baron Cohen is not going to be presenting an award tonight, because he only said he would if he could do it as Borat, and the Academy declined. WTF mate, how good that have been a bad idea?
:20– Need. More. Ellen.
:21– Jessica Biel presents for Sound Mixing with the award going to Dreamgirls. Biel looks like she’s in the middle of a walk of shame. Her dress looks like she slept in it and her hair looks like she slept on a frat basement floor.
:23– We have our first-speech-ending-implemention-of-award-music to cut acceptance speech short. Frankly, it’s not as funny as it once was.
:24– First major award of the night, Best Supporting Actor. Alan Arkin from Sunshine! Wow, big surprise. He’s stunned, I’m stunned, Eddie Murphy is ready to leave, Gosling looks like he didn’t even know he was nominated. Arkin was brilliant in this movie and he deserves it, very niice!
:27– Ellen gives Marty a script that is a cross between Goodfellas and Big Momma’s House, she calls it Goodmammas. Marty is stunned, but a good sport. Wahlberg meanwhile looks like he’s ready to snap directly behind them right after losing Best Supporting Actor.
:29– These shadow dancers are simply amazing.
:36– First music performances, some guy from Cars and Melissa Etheridge’s global warming song. Total tally of Republicans in the Kodak Theatre now stands at 6.
:38– The THRICE nominated Leo and Al Gore are announced. Thrice…we have to use that more. Fantastic exchange between these two. Leo asks Gore is he wants to make any major announcement and the house comes down for Gore. They announce that the Oscars have gone completely green. Hooray. Segment ends with Gore about to announce Presidency and the music cuts him off mid-sentence, nevermind…it’s still funny.
:45– Cameron Diaz gets introduced as the voice of Princess Fiona from the Shrek series. Is this what she’s best known as? How about the hot girl from The Mask? Or Justin Timberlakes ex? Anyway, award is for Best Animated Feature…the GUI showing the stars of Cars, Happy Feet, and Monster House in the audience was really cool. Happy Feet wins, long live penguins.
:46– Jack’s head is bald for a role about terminally ill friends who escape the hospital and do what they always wanted to do. Co-starring Morgan Freeman, comes out this Fall. I’m giddy.
:49– Woah, woah, woah….who in the hell invited Ben Affleck?!?
:52– Oscar winner Tom Hanks and soon to be winner Helen Mirren present for Best Adapted Screenplay and my boys in The Departed take it. Bill Monihan, the writer, looks calmly into the audience and exclaims, “Wow, valium does work.” Sensational.
:57– Seriously, Chris fucking Connelly? From ESPN Classic to the Academy Awards…God Bless America.
10:02– Ellen busts out the Oscar tote so winners don’t have to put down their award all night. She is on fire right now.
:03– Marie Antoinette wins for Costume Design…yawn.
:07– Tom Cruise presents Lifetime Humanitarian Award to some studio exec who has quit to fight cancer. More interesting, when Tommy C was announced, his applause was very weak. And when he actually gave the award to the lady, he hugged her for an exorbitantly long period of time…blatantly trying to recapture the spotlight and asking himself how he had fallen so far and so fast.
:11– Getting a little boring, need some controversy here. Would it be so hard to get some guys to makeout or have Timberlake pull out someone’s breast?
:14– Ellen asks Speilberg to take a picture of herself with Clint Eastwood for her MySpace. Then criticizes him for it being off-center! She is rollllllllin.
:15– Gwyneth presents for Cinematography and it goes to Pans Labyrinth. Viva la Mexico!
:22–Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr present for Best Special Effects. Downey lays down a FANTASTIC line…

With special effects, we can see aliens, mutant spiders swinging building to building, monster houses, and future cities….I was able to see many of these things on a typical weeknight in the mid-90′s.

So cool that he could joke about his past well-documented drug problems. Anyway, award goes to Pirates of the Caribbean II.
:32– Clive Owen (Who is brilliant) and Cate Blanchett present for Best Foreign Film; Germany’s Lives of Others. Woot.
:33– Marty, Marty, Marty!
:35– Snakes on a Plane reference, haha!
:38– The former Mr. Smug (Clooney) is cued to present Best Supporting Actress. He exclaims that he had been backstage drinking with Al Gore and Jack Nicholson and he doesn’t think Gore is running for President. Anyway, award deservingly goes to Hudson for Dreamgirls.
:41– The WOW marketing campaign for Microsoft Vista is really great, just wish the product was as stellar.
:45– Short Documentary Award is introduced by people I don’t know and awarded to a movie I don’t know. Can we please put these at the beginning next year?
:47– Seinfeld presents for feature Documentary, and calls Documentaries depressing! It’s weird seeing him in LA, he doesn’t fit in. Anyway, Al Gore “An Inconvenient Truth” wins and Gore addresses everyone as ‘His Fellow Americans….” If he’s not running, you can tell he still has the itch.
:53– Smug Eastwood presents another Lifetime Achievement Award…blah.
:58– Celine Dion starts singing a song, which leads to this exchange…

Me: Celine, you’re clinging onto your Titanic past. Stick with your Vegas shows.
GF: Shut up, she’s the best singer ever.

I stand corrected. Anyway, this parlays into another Achievement Award…..getting a little old.
11:02– Guy finally accepts his Achievement award! And he starts accepting in what I think is Italian! The shocked expressions are beyond excellent. It was so quiet in that place. Notable blankless expressions were Kate Winslett, Steven Spielberg, Cameron Diaz, and Sacha Baron Cohen’s wife…The crazy broad from Wedding Crashers.
:07– Penny Cruz and Hugh Jackman present for Best Original Score. Microsoft should just put her naked in a room and film 50 guys’ expressions when they see her, that’d be a ‘WOW.’ I dislike Hugh Jackman is just about every way for the record. Award goes to Babel.
:09–Ellen is back, we need more Ellen.
:10–There is a guy in the crowd with the single best mustache I’ve ever seen. I can’t get over it.
:14–Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst present Best Screenplay. Dunst looks like she just survived an Amtrak derailment. Award goes to Little Miss Sunshine! Hooray, possibly setting it up for Best Picture?
:19–I can’t believe Chris Connelly has a job. We couldn’t get at least Kenny Mayne? or Stuart Scott giving everyone chest bumps and saying ‘dawg’ to anyone black? Come on Disney, Connelly?!?!
:22– Every Lost commercial starts out with, “If you miss this episode….” What Lost? huh? Do something to me! I hate you, but you own my soul. I’m angry. Very angry.
:23– Marty, Marty, Marty!!!!!!!!
:24–J-Lo announces Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson to sing their songs from Dreamgirls. Who thought it would be a good idea to get J-Lo to do this? Pitiful.
:26–Beyonce and Hudson can sing, biggie respect.
:30– The very likely duo of John Travolta and Queen Latifah present award for Best Original Song. And Etheridge wins it for her song in Gore’s Truth, absolutely stunning the 3 songs just sung by the Dreamgirls cast that were all nominated. I love the Oscars.
:34– We need to get Mike Ditka and Charles Barkley in more commercials. Scrap that, we need to get them in more commercials together!
:38– Will Smith presents Michael Mann’s ‘History of America’ segment, poorly done.
:43– Kate Winslett presents for Film Editing and The Departed wins! Boooyakasha!
:46–Jodie Foster presents the annual Hollywood death powerpoint. I am always curious as to who will get the loudest ovation.
:54– The brilliant Philip Seymour Hoffman presents Best Actress, and there is no surprise that it goes to Helen Mirren for The Queen. Fantastic tidbit, the announcer says that ‘an Indian handreader once told her she wouldn’t achieve greatest success until her late-40′s.’ Side note, the actual Queen of England has invited Mirren for tea for portraying her so accurately.
12:00– This show is getting a little long, quite glad I upgraded to the 18-pack.
:03– Ellen is skipping the after-parties to do Kimmel, I dig this lady.
:04–Reese Witherspoon, looking stupidly hot, presents for Best Actor. Seriously, she looks beyond attractive. Award goes to Forest Whitaker for The Last King of Scotland. Very deserved. Incredibly impressed with his acceptance speech, most captivating since Halle Berri’s a few years back. He had the attention of everyone there. Next time Leo.
:09–MARTYYYYYY!
:11–Steven Spielberg, Francis Ford Coppola, and George Lucas present for Best Director. Speilberg and Coppola coyly mock Lucas for not having an Oscar for Director yet, comical. Director goes to MARTIN SCORCESE for The Departed. Acceptance speech was so humble, and that he was happy for everyone who wanted him to win it. Big hug for jack off-stage, you can tell he is just beaming inside. What a moment.
:15–I have no rational clue of who is going to win Best Picture. There has been no dominant force all night. I just don’t want it to be Babel. No, I want it to be The Departed or Little Miss Sunshine.
:16–Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson present for Best Feature Picture. Jack is choked up at Marty’s win and needs Keaton to announce the nominees, classic moment.
:17– The Departed! Yes! What a movie. Wahlberg, Sheen, Marty, Damon, Baldwin, Leo, Jack…so glad I movie I thoroughly enjoyed was able to win it all. I think Leo and Wahlberg took more solace in seeing Marty and this movie win than their own personal award losses.
:19– Ellen closes with ‘it’s truly been a pleasure.’ No Ellen, the pleasure was all ours.