There have been some solid ‘Day in the Life Of’ posts floating around for awhile on our little network of blogs. I enjoyed them, for the most part, so decided to jump into the foray with a Day in the Life of New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman.
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5:45a-6:37a: Brian awakes in his king sized bed next to his wife and golden retriever Vladdy. Brian walks to the bathroom in his footsy pajamas that he has had since graduating college. After taking care of his business, he walks downstairs and expectantly hears a knock at the door. Brian knows it is his newspaper boy. Brian walks to the door and asks the kid a host of questions about potential personnel decisions with the Yankees. Brian takes his usual notes and gives the kid $20. Brian has done this everyday since being hired as GM in 1998. Brian walks past a mirror, stops, flexes, and gently whispers “You da man Cash Money!” Feeling satisfied, Brian sets down to the paper and a bowl of Wheaties.

6:44a: The Post has a picture of Jeter apparently drunk and mooning a crowd. Brian wishes for the first time today he was Derek Jeter.

6:49a- Checks his iPhone for his itinerary for the day: ‘Avoid Steinbrenner, Angels at the stadium at 4:15p, Sleep. ‘ Brian thinks it’ll be a good day.

6:51a- Notices he has 5 voicemails from the time he went to bed. He listens to them…

(Think Midwest accent) Hey Mr. Cashman, it’s Joba. I really want to pitch again tomorrow, I feel I can contribute more than 3 pitches every 2 days. – Joba Chamberlain

Brian, as my General Manager and Senior V.P. I need you to answer your phone. I had a dream that perfectly explains how we can avoid the luxury tax through a legal loophole. By the way you’re a pussy for sleeping at 1:30a – George Steinbrenner

(Think Midwest accent) Mr. Cashman, sorry it’s me Joba again. Derek wanted me to tell you that you’re a pussy and the ‘Joba Rules’ are for homos. Sleep well. – Joba Chamberlain

Hey Brian, time is money baby! Don’t sleep on your laurels man, you saw A-Rod’s two bombs tonight. I want a contract offer now. Don’t tell George. – Scott Boras

(Slurring in Spanish) You’re a reallll wiseguy Cashmannn, I will designate you for assignment fucker. – Miguel Cairo

6:52a- Brian ignores the previous five minutes. Guru Tony Robbins has personally taught him to avoid negative people and focus on the good. When Cashman asked if he could writeoff Robbins’ service fees, Steinbrenner reached in his pockets and stole $13 in cash with no explanation.

7:13a- Brian puts on his suit from Target and blow drys his hair for optimal ‘fluff’. This task takes 35 minutes as his wife waits to use the locked bathroom.

7:55a- Brian departs his home in Connecticut for Uptown NY in his 2005 rented Hyundai. His Bentley was getting detailed because Ron Guidry smeared pine tar all over it. When Big Stein learned of the prank, he gave Guidry a 3-year extension.

8:40a- After a pleasant ride of Tony Robbins breathing exercises, and Yankee talk on the radio. Brian puts his game face on.

8:42a- While walking into Yankee Stadium, Brian thinks about a caller who said “If Cashman lets A-Rod go, he will go down as the worst GM in baseball history.” Brian is very aware he’s the most successful GM in baseball history, and has a private laugh at the anonymous, surely minimum waged caller.

8:50a- Shelley Duncan is waiting for Brian in his office and says he thinks he should be pitching. Brian humors him and says he’ll think about it. Duncan delivers a brutal celebratory forearm pound to Brian.

8:57a-10:02a: Brian tells secretary to hold calls and to tell Steinbrenner he is talking to Tony Robbins. Brian dozes off. Has a dream that Phil Hughes threw three perfect games in the World Series and was dubbed ‘best draft pick ever’. Brian knows its only a matter of time.

10:05a- Brian realizes he is hungry. Decides to pull his signature move. Brian knows Big Stein is not as sharp as he once was, so he goes into his office and tells him that Jeter needs bail money. Big Stein hands over $2,000 and laughs, “That Jeter!”

10:11a- Satisfied with duping Big Stein, Brian embarks on a search for food.

10:14a- While walking out of the stadium to a place across the street, Brian sees an apparently drunk and unshaven Bernie Williams in tattered clothing playing a guitar for money. Brian pretends not to know him and quickly walks by.

10:35a- Brian walks through a Burger King drive-thru and when asked what he wants says, “Cash Money wants some angus.”

10:52a- Arriving back at the stadium, full and content, Brian neanders back up to his office.

11:00a- Decides to prank Theo Epstein. Call goes as:

11:04a- Brian laughs

11:15a-12:45p- Brian attends a meeting with Yankee brass on a variety of topics. They discuss picking up some players placed on waivers, who to call up at the end of the month, plans for next years All-Star game, a ticket price increase for the last year of Yankee Stadium, and a look at which soon to be free agents they should start to target. Final meeting tally: Brian cries 1x, is called a pussy 16x, is denied a sandwich from the tray 4x, and pees his pants 2x. Meeting highlight; Brian believes the Yankees should consider letting Posada walk at the end of the year. Steinbrenner calls him a ‘faggot’ and says, ‘Carl Pavano, enough said.’

12:48a- Walking back to his office, Brian regrets not bringing up that he wanted Vlad or Sheffield but couldn’t come up with the line at the time because he was trying to make sure no one noticed he had peed his Target suit 2x.

1:00p- Brian heads down to the locker room. Torre gives him the lineup card. Brian looks it ovr and suggests a few changes, Torre picks his nose vigorously and wipes a booger on Brian’s Nautica tie.

1:04p- Goes over to Clemens and starts asking how he’s feeling, Roger replies, ‘What are you the fucking trainer now too?’ Brian walks away smiling.

1:07p- Heads over to Matsui, pretends to speak Japanese. Matsui is stunned.

1:12p- Tells Posada he’s gonna give him the big bucks with the year he’s had.

1:14p- Brian asks Cano how he’d feel about leading off the order down the stretch, Cano pretends he doesn’t speak English.

1:16p- Brian walks out of the locker room to avoid a charging Joba.

1:21p- Back up in his office, Brian is pretty sure that Cano speaks English.

1:23p-1:34p- Plays with his ‘World’s Greatest G.M.’ mug that his wife got him from Things Remembered. Shows slight tarnishing.

1:45p-2:30p- Goes on internet message boards and proclaims that ‘Cash Money i the best GMe ever’. Has a heated exchange with some douche under the handle of ‘FuckDaBankees’ and says ‘Cash Money wanted Vlad, not Sheffield’. And that ‘Carl Pavano was a great sign’ and ‘injuries happen dickweed’. Brian visits seven prominent baseball boards, posts 850 messages over course of visits anonymously defending himself in cyberspace.

2:45p- Two hours till gametime, wishes Steinbrenner would have let him have a sandwich at the meeting earlier.

2:51p- Pranks Theo again, this time as Omar Minaya–Offers to trade Pedro back for Manny, Papelbon, Ortiz, and Beckett.

3:03p-3:59p- Goes down to the field for warm-ups. Sees A-Rod working out with Melky and Cano, blatantly hears Robbie speaking English. Watches BP, considers going on a HGH regimen, is told by Jeter that he’s almost sober now, asks fans in the front row if they’d like an autograph to no response and confused looks, overhears Clemens call him a pussy, and asks Wang about his ‘home’ in China.

4:02p- Asks if he can sing the National Anthem today, is denied.

4:14p- Gets a chili dog, concession worker doesn’t believe he is Brian Cashman. Screams “I am CASH MONEY DAMNIT! You are FIRED!” Guy ignores him and makes him pay.

4:15p- Let’s Play Ball!

4:16p- Brian realizes he is still up on Big Stein $1,991 after the chili dog and Burger King.

4:21p- Vlad hits a two run HR in the top of the 1st. Brian visibly sad he isn’t a Yankee.

4:24p-5:20p- Four innings gone, Lackey working a perfect game. Angels lead 4-0.

5:23p- Decides to leave the box and go to the bullpen

5:27p- Stunned to see Mike Myers in the bullpen. Brian designated him for Wilkes-Barre last week. When asked, Myers simply says, “No you didn’t.”

5:29p-5:41p- Tries speaking Spanish to Mo who reassures him he can speak in English. Brian insists on Spanish and only pronounces three words right in twelve minutes. Mo contemplates Free Agency.

5:44p- Five innings over, 4-0 Angels, Lackey 5 IP, o H, o EH, 7 K, 0 BB

5:47p-6:05p- Listens to Joba say he should be starting, Brian whispers finally, ‘Cash Money makes the decisions around here Justin’ and leaves the pen.

6:16p- Back in the office, Brian arrives just in time to see Jeter break up the perfect game, no-hitter, and shutout with a 315ft HR to right. Brian riverdances and admittedly gets a chubby as Jeter rounds second.

6:20p- Yanks make it 4-3 after a double from Matsui, Angels pull Lackey.

6:26p- Makes call t get permission to sing ‘God Bless America’ during the stretch, denied.

6:45p- Still down 4-3 in the bottom of the 7th, Joba warming for 8th.

6:50p-6:58p- Joba strikes out the side, no one warming.

7:09p- A-Rod hits a two out solo shot to the bleachers in center to tie it up. Brian ignores cell call from Boras.

7:14p-7:22p- Joba strikes out the side.

7:25p-7:35p- Yanks go runless, extras…Joba coming out for 10th, Brian is stunned.

7:37p-7:45p- Joba strikes out the side.

7:49p-8:00p- Yanks set down in order…Joba trotting out for 11th, Brian awestruck.

8:03p-8:10p- Joba strikes out first two players in six pitches. Lets up fastball go-ahead Homer to Vladdy, strikes out next player in three pitches. 5-4 Angels.

8:14p- Damon doubles down theleft field line.

8:16p- Jeter lays one down successfully, Damon to third.

8:17p- A-Rod takes opening pitch and hits it 1.71 miles to left, ballgame over. The Yankees Win….THEEEE YANKKKKEEEEEES WINNN!!

8:20p- Brian makes way down to post-game celebration in locker room.

8:24p- Congratulates A-Rod and slips out with, ‘Please don’t leave.’

8:26p- Berates Guidry for overusing Joba, Guidry blames Torre.

8:28p- Berates Torre for overusing Joba, Torre blames Steinbrenner.

8:31p- Big Stein makes way into clubhouse and sneaks up on Brian, clinches in a sleeper hold until Brian’s lights go out.

8:32p-10:15p- While unconscious, Big Stein announces Joba is now a starter and will take the mound tomorrow for game two of the set. Torre wipes at least a baker’s dozen snots on Brian. Jeter openly pisses on his Target suit that now has been urinated in or on 3x today. Giambi greases back Brian’s hair. Posada wipes pine tar all over his face. And Mattingly draws a ‘Mattingly Mustache’ on him.

10:17p- Brian awakens alone in the training room, only remembering that Big Stein had give him a mean sleeper hold. Collects himself, notices a mirror, looks deep into his pine tar and mustache reflection and angrily whispers, ‘You da man Cash Money!’

10:24p- Brian gets in his rented Hyundai and drives home. Listens to post game shows that declare Steinbrenner is the greatest owner in team history and Torre is responsible for all the Yankees success in his tenure. Brian feels uneasy.

11:15p- Arrives home. Walks inside and upstairs.

11:17p- Finds Jeter enthusiastically having sex with his wife while his beloved Golden Retriever Vladdy sits idly staring at the spectacle.

11:41p- Brian waits it out and says ‘Good Night’ to Jeter who gives him a charlie horse and laughs.

11:44p- Brian gets into his footsie pajamas

11:45p- Brian flosses

11:51p- Crawls into bed next to his sleeping wife and internally reassures himself, ‘You da man Cash Money!’